My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
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Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one