My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
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Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.