This is a true ally.
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Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I need this for my side hustle.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant