Cats (2019)
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I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that