My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
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I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
me hooking up with my ex
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.