Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
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asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.