*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
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the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Simple
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.