One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
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“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*