Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
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St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.