About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
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GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Ah yes. The three genders
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again