The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
You Might Also Like
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
i prefer mine room temperature.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.