As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
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If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.