The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
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Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Me :
All Day At Night
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am