friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
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her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
If you need a laugh.. 😅
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?