My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
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I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.