My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
You Might Also Like
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.