If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
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With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Nothing to do, you say?
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
New mindset, who dis?
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.