Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
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doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Mmmm canned fish.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.