I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
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[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.