Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
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Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”