#oldknees
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Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.