Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
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Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Terribly Tuesday.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Seems legit
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.