Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
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Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
j o i m p
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.