the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
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Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.