Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
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There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.