I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
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wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.