Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
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me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi