Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
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*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again