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My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05