*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
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Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.