I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
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I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Flock of bats
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*