[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
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my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
This meal prepping shit easy
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Netflix and awkward silence?
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.