“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
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“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
What?
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
True?
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?