I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
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My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?