Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
You Might Also Like
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.