Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
You Might Also Like
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Lol.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.