I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
You Might Also Like
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot