Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
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I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?