Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
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My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
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