You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
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I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.