Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
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*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉