WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
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I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
こいつ天才
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
‘I know a black person’
– White people