I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
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Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras