My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked