ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
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Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..