Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
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me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
He’s cranky this morning
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.