I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
You Might Also Like
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I would like even faster food.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus