Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
You Might Also Like
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.