my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
You Might Also Like
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
#parenting
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.