*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
You Might Also Like
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos